Saturday, July 24, 2010

Under Every Freshly Turned Stone

I came across this today. I haven't been able to read all the way through the article yet. My mind is still too foggy to write a proper response. Last night's insomnia is doing me no favors. However, I just had an interesting idea. Consider this a call to reader participation! First there are a few caveats (I know, I'm dreadfully predictable in that regard. Please bear with me)

Whether you've been reading for a while or just stopping by I'd like to hear from you. I value everyone's opinion. That includes those that disagree with my own. Please take a few minutes and participate. Anonymous commenting is available. Similarly, if you want to write something but don't want it made public, simply mark it "PRIVATE" and I'll respect your wishes.

Here's the idea. Follow the link and read the article. Then come back here and post your response in the comments section of this post. The idea here is that you get to have a fresh eye at the read without my input predisposing you to experience it one way or another. Next week I'll post my take on the article and respond to everyone who posted public comments.

I'm actually quite excited about this idea so please participate if you can. Lurkers, first timers, and everyone in between are invited.


  1. I don't know how "proper" my response will be but my first impression after reading this article was horror at how demeaning, insulting, and degrading this author was towards fathers (and even the mothers)! It's blatantly obvious that she's got an agenda (ADOPTION) and she's pushing it hard.

    I was not impressed.

  2. State Birthfather registries do not work especially if the mother uses and places in a different state than where she resides.

    No one knows about the Registries (ask yourself if you knew). They are hard to access or find especially in states that are adoption friendly.

    A National Registry with education in many different areas may be an acceptable alternative as long it the requirements are not as restrictive as some states currently use. To often these become tools for unscupulous adoption agencies and prospective adoptive parents who are terribly uneducated.

    The other alternative used by agencies is advertising for birthfathers is also subject to abuse because of where the advertisement is placed or the wording of the ad.

    There has to be a better solution to protect the rights of both parents. To many fathers are fighting to have the right to parent and it is sad to see.

  3. I don't really have an opinion--there was so much in the article, it was very heavy, and of course I wondered about the agenda behind it, but I didn't want you to think I wasn't responding to your appeal to comment...

  4. Okay, I'm finally going to comment. Yesterday I had my husband read the article as well, and we talked about it for a long time. Let's just say that we are both appalled.

    First, the birth father registry: Let's face it, this is really only helpful to adoptive families. While there might be a good reason for it, the registry sure seems like a sneaky way to undermine a father's rights. I believe in full disclosure, and this sure seems like an easy way to justify not giving the father a chance to make a decision.

    Second: The article was so biased that it felt very unprofessional. The woman obviously has an agenda, and if you dare to disagree, you'll probably get steam-rolled with the rest of the "macho losers." At the beginning of the article she briefly talks about the "devoted birth fathers" - the ones who go along with adoption; but by the end, the reader has forgotten that devoted birth fathers even exist. They are only losers who abandon their children.

    Third: While I believe that mothers really do have a different connection with their children, I also believe that just because a man doesn't carry the child around for 9 months doesn't mean he isn't connected as well. According to this article, the best way a man can be supportive is to agree to everything that the woman decides. If he fights an adoption, he must be concerned about his "macho image." Granted, I will agree that there are men out there that fit this profile, but I really felt like the author was grouping all birth fathers into one big lump.

    I could probably talk forever about this and pick it apart, but in the end, my husband and I decided that we wouldn't ever choose or recommend that agency just based on that article.

  5. Yeah, this seems pretty exploitative (not to mention blatantly pro-life). It's propaganda and nothing else. I didn't call an adoption agency with my five other kids from my five other baby daddies wailing in the background. I love how they automatically assume that this random birthfather in question does drugs, sleeps around, and regularly backhands his woman. Or that a woman considering placing for adoption would do so because she is a) incapable of loving her child and b) incapable of caring for it without starving her 20 billion other children. That was just such a waste of my time. THANKS FOR WASTING MY TIME, DUDE. :P

  6. oh the guilt and the shame. I wanted to comment on that because those are the emotions I feel I primarily suffer from when it comes to my impending adoption. As in, I too am not sacrificing my life for the seabass. Maybe I should. But I don't want to. And I feel terribly guilty, and terribly ashamed already. I don't know if there's any two ways about that, but I am starting to get the feel that's it's mostly unavoidable. But it makes sense: babies should be with those who want them more than anything, and most of the time I feel like I'm doing my part by making that happen. And I think it's likely I'd feel even guiltier if I kept the seabass thereby ruining everybody's lives: mine and Max Power's, who have so much to do before we devote ourselves to children, and the seabass', who deserves much better than I'll prepared and unwilling parents. so many people wiuld have me believe that a child is better off with its birth parents regardless of the cost, but i simply reduse to believe that to be true. That's what I use to get me through the guilt and the shame - granted, though, it's rarely enough.

  7. "a child is better off with its birth parents regardless of the cost"

    Sighing here..sorry but I just have to butt in. This just isn't true and obviously you know it also. I see people trying to make it a truth and I don't understand why. It's not to say your child shouldn't be with you, I think it's too early for you to make that final decision. You need to be very sure you want to go ahead with adoption. And another obvious is it's a crap shoot whether the seabass will mind having been adopted. I've not yet been able to figure out why some adopted people are seriously affected while others aren't.

    If you end up deciding to parent, please commit to it wholeheartedly. I am so sick of seeing people just going through the motions and putting their wants before their kid's needs. Making material things more important than actually looking after their own kids. Or conversely, having more kids than they can actually afford to support. Sometimes that's just one.

    There are so many kids walking around who don't care about anyone, including themselves. People who can commit violent acts against others with no regard to human life are becoming more and more common and I truly believe parents are responsible for this. Respect, honesty, generosity, compassion, empathy, fairness are all things that we aren't born just knowing. They have to be taught and teaching them takes time, consistency, patience, and effort. It's takes being able to put aside cycles of poor parenting or abuse.

    Yeah, nice rant. It just gets me crazy seeing people screw up or with kids' lives and I've just recently been exposed to a bunch of real life piss poor parenting so it's still fresh in my brain.

    There's more to it all than just giving birth or wanting a child but not being able to have one and becoming obsessed. It's a big, important, life long responsibility and I wish more people would think about it as much and take it as seriously as you, Lia, and Iam and Athena have and are.

  8. Hi! Nice to meet you. So I read the article and it is degrading to all parts of society to assume that this is a reality for the majority of pregnant couples. I think of people I know who were adopted, adoptive couples, children I grew up with who's home lives were difficult to say the least, and I don't know of any situation that is truly as bad as she describes. Yes, I think there must be people like that, it is in keeping with the California welfare system stereotype, but in real life people care and in my experience when they don't seem to care or want to be responsible as she says, it's because they don't know how and often feel that they can't.

    The whole birth father registry sounds stupid, I mean, where are you going to advertise that? In high schools and college campuses? Businesses with many male employees? Hey what's that say? Oh, dude, I might be a father, lemme find a pen and write down their email so I can register later, 'cause I'm responsible.

    Not only is her article absurd, but it's taking a sensitive matter and decision and turning it around to suit her agenda. Men and women are making sensitive decisions. So much is assumed and distorted.


What do you think? I'm curious.