I've made several attempts to write about what has been going on in my life of late. I haven't been able to finish any of them. Frankly it's just too hard to get through everything in one go. Instead I'll lay out the bare facts here and now. I can then process each part as necessary in the coming days, weeks, and months.
Last week Athena ended our relationship. This came just a few weeks after she told me she wasn't sure if she wanted to have any further contact with our son. Needless to say both of these situations are very difficult for me to handle. Forewarning: please don't post any comments about Athena's short comings, perceived or otherwise.
I am still unemployed. This is the longest I have been without a job since I began working. In fact I have never been without work since I began working a steady job when I was 21.
I will visit Festus on the 20th. We haven't seen one another since November. It's difficult to imagine facing him now. I feel like I've failed him. There isn't much I can offer him or myself right now. I've been putting one foot in front of the other for so long that I must take it on faith that I have faith at all. In six short months my life has crumbled to pieces.
Athena and I had been together for nearly five years. Four of those we spent living together. I miss that time we spent together. Hopefully things will get better.
But to be honest, I'm sick to death of hope.
I'm so sorry to hear this. Those are some really tough situations, all of them.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry :-/ I hope things get better for you soon. I must say that you DO have plenty to offer your son. You are going through a hard period in your life. We all go through things that are hard. By showing him how you keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you're still there for the people who matter (him), you are teaching him how to handle the hard stuff with strength. It's a powerful example and you probably have no idea your setting it. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about all of this. But you do have so much to offer Festus. You give him love and a connection to his biological history, and these are no small things. You display a lot of courage and perseverance in continuing your relationship with him. Open adoption is hard. Its not the cure-all that the industry tries to convince expectant parents considering adoption that it is. I have infinite love for my daughter and her mothers and cherish every moment I spend with them, but it still hurts and I sometimes have to force myself to go through the motions on days when it just seems to be too much. Don't sell yourself short for who you have to be to dedicate yourself to this. Jobs come and go, as do relationships. They're ever changing situations that we're in, not who we are. You are more than your current position in life. Please don't forget this.
ReplyDeleteSorry for everything that is going on. don't sell yourself short. Tou have plenty to offer your son.
ReplyDeleteI don't have much to add to what the others said above. I do want to stress the importance of what Jenn said about what you have to offer Festus. YOU ~ just you yourself in his life is what is important. Your job or lack thereof doesn't matter to him now, nor will it 20 years down the road. You teach by doing, so keep on keeping on, be strong even when you don't feel like it, and you will be teaching wonderful lessons along the way to more than just your son. Sending you lots of positive energy and wishes of good luck.
ReplyDeleteI second what Jenn says. I was going to say something similar but she's already said it so well.
ReplyDeleteKeep hanging in there. Life is so difficult sometimes, lots of times, but your son will want to know you and that in itself is a reason to perservere. You can do it. If not for yourself, for him. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're going through so much pain. I'm an adopted adult, and I'm against infant adoption. I'm really against all adoption. I think it's a crime to change a person's name and birth certificate and pretend that other people are their parents. I don't think adoption spares children pain, I think it causes it. I feel angry when I hear parents talk about how great it is to give their babies to strangers and how great they are for doing it. I know how it feels to be that baby, and it's brutal. To know your own parents didn't want you is the harshest insult of all, and that's what it feels like to adopted children, no matter how you try and give it a positive spin. They may never let you know how they feel, but it burns deep. I have no advice for you.
ReplyDeleteAdoptee - see my response to the question "In a perfect world, what would adoption look like for you?" found here: http://insertbadmovietitlehere.wordpress.com/2012/11/14/interview-project-2012/
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your adoption and the way the adults in your life handled it caused you so much pain. I wish your experience had been different. I wish it had not been so painful. Thank you for choosing to express yourself with so much respect for others as well.
I don't believe that it was my particular adoption, or the adults in my life who caused me to feel the way I do. It was the loss of my mother and entire family. It was too much for a person to bear. Not just me, any person. It's too much to ask that a child live their life trying to be something they can never be, someone else's child. The logic of it seems twisted to me. How did this idea originate and take hold in our society? It's unheard of in less developed countries. It's a social experiment that I think has failed. Children belong in the families that created them, and society should do everything they can to support young families, instead of taking their babies.
ReplyDeleteSociety sees adopted children as damaged. Few people would want to trade places with an adoptee. I've lived with adoption for a half century, and I have yet to see the good in it.
Many say that adoption is different now, and that open adoption solves most of the problems of the past. I don't think that's the case. Knowing that you parents, particularly your mother gave your away (I know "placed" is respectful adoption language, but I have opinions on that too) is a lifelong sorrow.
I haven't been to your site very recently, but happened upon this entry. I'm so sorry that life feels so difficult right now - life can be a pisser sometimes, then it does eventually turn a corner. I just wanted to address what you said about not having anything to offer your son. Your presence is all he needs - you're someone who loves him and is interested in him. That's a whole lot to offer. My daughter's birthdad is absolutely important to her; he was when he was unemployed and couch surfing, and two years later, he is employed, happy, has his own place and is dating a girl he really likes...and he is no more or less important to her. He loves her, he asks after her, sends her little gifts whenever he stumbles upon something he thinks she'll like. He writes notes to her...he shows up, even when it's expensive and hard to be here, he rings the bell, walks in, sits on the floor with her and plays with her. And she hasn't a clue whether he has a job, or a relationship or anything else, she knows he's sitting there listening to her and loving her. That's all. You are enough, just you.
ReplyDeleteI hope things turn that corner soon for you.
Oh, I'm so sorry to learn about the very rough spot you are in right now...though I am glad you came here to share it. I hope you can find some comfort in knowing there are plenty of people who are wishing you strength and encouragement. After reading, I had thoughts very similar to Jenn and Petite Coccinelle's, but they've said them so much more eloquently than I could have. You strike me as an incredibly smart, compassionate, resourceful, and resilient person. These traits will not only continue to serve you well during this bleak time in your life, but will be what Festus knows of you, now and in the future.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you're going through this time of great turmoil and strain. I think you have everything to offer Festus, no matter what. He just needs *you* in his life: your presence and love.
ReplyDeleteWhile I have no great love for the institution of adoption, what's happened has happened, and we all have to work with what we've got. Your commitment to your son, even though you decided you couldn't be a parent in the everyday sense, speaks volumes about your character in positive ways.