Saturday, December 3, 2011

I'm the Evil that Babies Want

Some people claim that any first parent who willingly places his/her child for adoption has either been manipulated/brainwashed, or is a morally degenerate monster. I tend to be described as the latter. I find it funny that the same people who describe me as monstrous, cold, unfeeling, evil, unbelievably self-centered, and so forth are the same people who tell me "all [my] baby wants is [me]".

Apparently babies have a strong desire for their parents to be evil. Or is this a sequence game? If I were to raise my child rather than place him for adoption, I'm no longer evil, cold, monstrous, or unfeeling. After all the only criteria I meet for those descriptors is being a first father. Right?

So I have to ask when exactly a first parent takes on the attribute of being inherently flawed as a human being? Was it before adoption? If so the suggestion is the child ought (what a terrible word) to be raised by a terrible person. If the fatal flaw in character is acquired, then when? When meeting a social worker? Maybe it happens when the pen makes contact with the paper relinquishing parental rights. That must be it. So I was undesirable as a parent when I was an unwed working class father, but now I'm an ideal parent because I'm a sociopath.


The above post can also be read as: Aaaargh!


  1. Isnt it amazing the contradictory way people see the first family? It still amazes me today some of the insane questions people will ask (like: didnt I love my son? Are you freaking kidding me????). They dont see the absurdity...

  2. I imagine you've had a recent exposure with people saying cruel things about first parents-- which I am sorry you have experienced. (AVOID MEANIEHEADS!)

    But it is complicated. If you really placed because you didn't care all that much about your child and you knew you didn't feel much for them or want to be there with them every day or love them as a parent loves a child--- then it is probably a good idea to place.

    But. I hope you can see that even if it a kinder of two cruelties, it's extremely painful for a child to experience a parent not wanting to be with them or love them every day as a parent would.

    I recognize this is something you might not care about, and if you have truly raised your hands up and feel that whateer the child in question feels is no longer your problem, you might realize the child will have the right to think you are a cruel cold person who caused horrible suffering?

    You have the right to your feelings about the experience as do adoptees who have to actually live the life their first parents dictated for them. I have a hard time believing you actually placed because you don't care about your child. I think this happens, but I think it's rare. I imagine that even if you denied it there was a part of you that wanted to be there every day and get to be with your child and give them all the love they need--- and that you felt something was in the way of you being very good at doing that ina way that would meet your childs needs.

    If adoption had not been available, at all, would you have found a way to love and care for your child in the best way you possibly could? Is there a part of you that, if adoption had not been an option, would have WANTED your child? Adoptees tend to want to hear that. That somewhere underneath the complicated reasons adoption needed to happen, that the biological parent would have prefered to keep their children if it could have been healthy for the child.

    And it's prefectly ok for an adoptee to feel anger or rage, if the main reason for the adoption was disinterest. I would not maintain a relationship with either of my biological parents if that were the case and I would reserve the right to call them monsters.

    But if a person is a monster, then of course, the child is better of without them. As an adoptee this would leave me saying, "Uh I guess thanks for having me, shit head, now get as far the fuck away from me as possible--- and thank you for letting me get away from your evil self."

    I find it hard to believe that the primary reason for placing is very often indifference or the desire to be rid of the child, but adoptees have the right to feel whatever they want to feel if that's the case. It is a very hurtful thing to give to another human being. An experience of deeply painful rejection and a mandate of gratitude. Gratitude is over rated.

    I have a hard time believing that you specifically wanted to be rid of your child or that you celebrate being rid of your child. But if that's the case... it sort of... sucks?

    All of that said, even within the monster there is a human being, who more often than not was brought to their state by life circumstances and experiences of suffering that affected the very personality and feelings of love and connectedness. If you really are so cold and distant as accusations have been made I believe it is unlikely this state is your fault. But then again, if it is not your fault that you lacked the love and benevolence to put your child's needs for your love above your own situation--- so too these adoptees are not at fault for being unable to have compassion and forgiveness for your state.

    I just don't believe you that you really wanted to be rid of your child--- I believe that circumstances stood in your way of believing you were good for your child (or you BEING good for your child.) But I could be wrong. : )

  3. Hi Rox - I'm no longer in the habit of responding to comments, but I think this one merits reply. First of all I want to thank you for the respectful tone you used to convey your thoughts. Respect, in particular, is something often lacking in cross-triad adoption discussion. Thank you for your thoughtfulness in this regard. It is both noted and significantly appreciated.

    I'm going out on a limb to guess that you haven't read much of my previous writing on this blog. Terms such as "rid of" and "no longer [my] problem" rankle me. The post above was merely a description of recent experiences I've had of being demonized because I didn't fight my son's birthmother, nor his adoptive parents, for full custody. I have been told, in as many words, if I "didn't fight like hell in every court possible [I'm] a worthless shit who should burn in hell". That's what I'm responding to, not the valid expression of difficult emotional realities for adoptees.

    Similarly I'll presume that you're unaware of my continuing relationship with my son, and my dedication to ensuring that relationship remains vital. Of course I didn't want to be rid of my son. Neither was I willing to live a lie, nor raise him in an environment where he would pick up on subtle cues of resent. Were I to raise my son myself it would only be in a context where I knew I could fully devote all aspects of myself to that task. I know myself enough to understand that I'm not willing to make the sacrifices necessary to be the sort of parent I could be proud of. I chose instead to honor both myself and him, rather than pretend I don't exist and am impervious to suffering. Sacrifice is all well and good when made willingly. When it is forced, by people or circumstances, we make a subtle but very important change in vernacular. Instead of sacrificing for my son, I would BE sacrificed for my son.

    How could I be a father then, if I let that happen to either of us?

  4. Powerful. I love this from your response in the comments, "I chose instead to honor both myself and him...". Honoring and respecting yourself and your child. If only all children were so lucky to be honored by their parents...I see no monster here.

  5. I never once got the impression you and Athena didn't care about your son. In fact I think the exact opposite, you both care very much about him.

    Anyway, your post. I totally get what you're saying here and have wondered about it myself. I'm with Red, it's completely contradictory. The only explanation I can offer for people saying you didn't love your son Red is that there are those who refuse to or cannot understand that adoption can be an act of love and/or care.

    I'm sorry you're being attacked I am. I just don't understand why people need to do that, what they think they're accomplishing. Try not to let it get to you but if it does, do whatever you need to protect yourself.

  6. Hello, I am. I love this post and the manner in which it exposes the convoluted thinking of those who make the morally degenerate claim. By sheer virtue of the fact that I’m a BSE firstmother, I, too, am considered by some to be a morally degenerate monster, although in my case, perhaps due to gender, the choice word was momster. We’re also viewed as narcissists and child abandoners. Just mention that you did not abandon your child and you will be attacked. Don’t worry though, you will not be hauled off to jail since most first mothers have not been incarcerated for the criminal offense of child abandonment.

  7. Thank you for responding to a previous comment I left. I understand that everyone has the right to choose to parent or to give up their child. However, I don't look at adoption through rose-colored glasses. Adoption is giving one's helpless infant to strangers. Even if you meet the adoptive parents, you still do not know what the child's life is like when you aren't there. Adoption also causes damage to most (although not all) children.

    Poverty and other issues were not mentioned in the article only that you didn't see yourselves as parents. Sorry but I don't think you get to cry over first father's issues if you just didn't want to be a parent.

    Perhaps the kindest thing to do would be to have a vasectomy since you are unwilling to parent. There is no birth control that is 100% effective. Something that you and your child's first mother were probably already aware of.

    I thank you for your offer to help me understand your perspective better. However, I don't think that will be necessary. I already know quite a lot about it. I have actually lived it in this school called life.

  8. You're on a roll. The last set of posts have been great.

    Too bad Robin / Rox couldn't keep the tone more civil - she doesn't see the irony of claiming space for adoptees to feel rage at their circumstance, yet attempts to de-legitimize your feelings over first father issues. Neither is she willing to listen to one of the only first father bloggers. Talk about close minded.

  9. Ah I see you were determined to get your comment published Robin. I tried to save you from yourself. Well that and spare Iam your animosity.

    "I have actually lived it in this school called life". Lived what? Lived Iam's perspective? You say you know quite a bit about it already? What does that mean?

    Iam isn't your father Robin. You quite often come across as hating all men. I always wonder, do you? You sure can cut the ladies slack for relinquishing. Have you ever taken this tone with one of the mothers?

    None of us knows how it feels to be each other. I can just imagine the outrage and uproar if a parent, bio or adoptive, claimed to not need to understand an adoptee's perspective because the parent already knows quite a bit about it because they've lived life.

  10. I get some of the paradoxes you are writing about. Conversely, I find it weird that the very people who say their first mothers are horrible people--let's see, what are some of the words used? Damaged beyond repair, cold, unfeeling, control freak, secretive, dishonest, selfish, living in la la land, worse than a whore. . . OK, these same people claim to love their first mothers MORE THAN ANYBODY and are furious because they are being denied a relationship with them, or so the story goes. So why do they want to be with monsters like that?

  11. Wow, you are so foul.


What do you think? I'm curious.