Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Silence in the Absence of Conflict

I've been ignoring life in Blog-land for some time as other concerns have taken priority. Those concerns, not surprising to anyone, are my finances. This is bitter-sweet news because it points directly to something very important.

Life as a birth father has become normal life.

Or perhaps I should say this; life after the adoption of a child can feel just as normal as life before the adoption of a child.

In recent months I've been focusing a lot of attention to getting my financial affairs in order, developing plans for some cottage industry style enterprises, strengthening my relationships with my family, and continuing to support Athena as she prepares to re-enter school in yet another step toward her eventual career goals. Athena and I have continued to visit Festus, Prof Plum, and Ms Scarlet. All of those relationships continue to grow. The funny part is that I haven't been thinking about those relationships as much recently as I had the year previous. That's actually very important as it indicates that I'm not working as hard to have those relationships feel successful. At this point they typically feel successful without much effort. It seems stress doesn't enter that sphere unless there are other complicating factors. There have, in fact, been complicating factors but they were handled with compassion, open communication, a bit of mutual confusion, and in the end worked out smoothly. It's really nice to feel like my friendships with Ms Scarlet and Prof Plum are a source of stress relief.

There have been several visits with them that I haven't related here. That has a lot to do with going nuts at work. More than that, however, is a loss of urgency in those visits, conversations, and connections. After more than a year it feels like the foundation for real relationships have been laid and we now get to enjoy some of that hard work. As life continues there also continue to be new complications. I've come to the conclusion that if one waits for life to "calm down" before considering it normal s/he will be waiting until death. That said, I think we've hit as close to "normal" as we're going to get. It feels good. It feels like we've found the light at the end of the tunnel and it wasn't a train after all. All four of us were putting a lot of faith in that faint glimmer. The days when I forget how hard it had been are the days I feel like I'm holding a winning lottery ticket.

It's tempting to say that I've found a good life after adoption but that isn't accurate at all. The growth I had to do getting into adoption in the first place is largely responsible for where I am now. I have found a good life in adoption.


  1. So well said as always. I hate that you're are struggling with the finances, but am so happy that things are going well with the adoption.

    Sadly mine has taken a bit of a turn. I'm hoping it will find its purchase again soon.

    Lovely to see you around again...

  2. I'm so glad to hear from you.(I've been a bit worried with the lack of postings!)It's so nice to learn that adoption isn't one of the things you are stressing about now, and that you find some peace in your relationships.

    I think you are right that for most of us, "normal" life rarely happens, and that we need to do what we can to keep moving forward and get comfortable inspite of whatever chaos we're facing. I'm sorry finances are a concern now.

    Your last paragraph is wonderful!

  3. Glad you're back in blog land! I always enjoy your posts and you did not disappoint.


  4. this is wonderful. you sounds good, despite the financial concerns. it must feel satisfying to be at a place without conflict, where the relationships feel a bit easier.


What do you think? I'm curious.