"All I can say with certainty is that my husband and I love Pie with everything we are and want the best for her. Pie's birthparents love her with everything they are and want the best for her. We'll figure out the rest as we go."
This, for me, is the very essence of adoptions that can work. Courtesy of Sara when she commented here on a previous post. I wanted to bring that to everyone's attention.There are a lot of people who are hurt terribly by adoption. Namely those people are everyone ever involved in an adoption. I've said for years that the happiest life is not the best life. It's only been recently that I've understood that to be a half truth. The concept I wanted to address was comfort, not happiness. The most comfortable life is certainly not the best life. After all I've never known a person to say "I'm so terribly comfortable and well resourced, I think it's time for some seriously difficult personal growth." For years I've struggled to make this idea a positive statement instead of a negative one. If the most comfortable life isn't the best one, what is the best? I didn't know. Slowly dawning on me is an idea. This may be the foolish idealism of youth, and I fully expect to look back on this and laugh, but I think I have an idea of the best driving principle for life. I've toyed with honesty, respect, integrity, compassion, awareness, education, and even self-sacrifice. The conclusion I've come to is all of these fall short. The only complete picture appears when all of these are combined into an understanding of love. Love requires that I respect. It urges me to understand and educate. Love insists upon honesty and integrity. Love lets me sacrifice my ego. The best life is love.
In totally unrelated news I'm feeling much better! The doctors took the stint out today and I only have one day of antibiotics left. I took myself off the pain meds earlier this week. Detox was horrible. I had become dependant. Thank goodness I'd only been taking them exactly as prescribed for a little less than two weeks. I went home and immediately ate a bowl full of steamed carrots. I felt like a new man. Eating a bowl of spaghetti afterward made me feel even better! I can't believe how hungry I've been! Hopefully in a few days I'll be able to return to work. Unfortunately my job is very physically demanding so that may take a little while longer than I'd like.
Honestly, thank you. I really needed to hear that today. I did.
ReplyDelete"...and the greatest of these is love" 1 Corinthians 13
ReplyDeleteI'm not really a Bible quotey person, but I absolutely believe that the one driving force in this world that makes good things happen, that rights wrongs, heals wounds, mends hearts, bonds people, and way way more, is LOVE. If the love is there, you take care in your actions, speech, behavior so that you don't hurt the ones you love. Or at least you try. You make those people a priority. You not only care about them, you care FOR them. Love creates families and communities. Love is the bestest glue that we have, and it is highly underrated.
Oh dear god, sorry if I don't find that uplifting. Cheesy cheesy cheesy! It reminds me of all those anti-adoption people who say, "all your baby needs is love!" so it doesn't matter that I have no money or job or health insurance or that I DON'T WANT TO PARENT HIM, as long as I love him! If I relinquish anyway, I must not love him, which then makes me a terrible human being.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I do see the point that the fact of loving him, loving myself, loving my parents and MP and letting my heart stay open to the possibility of love instead of closing it off makes my life worth living. Or, it is an essential PART of doing so. I guess I'd say, a life full of love is a life that has a chance to be well lived.
Lia - I think you may have missed my actual point here. I know you've been told quite frequently that if you love you must parent. I'm making the opposite argument here. Love requires honesty and integrity. That means, in my case, not parenting. I won't lie to my son. I love him too much to do that. I won't lie to myself and pretend I'd be happy parenting, because I know I wouldn't. An adoption placement, when made honestly, thoughtfully, and confidently, is by necessity an act of love. A person devoid of love couldn't go through the brutalization and difficulty of pregnancy, delivery, and adoption. Adoption isn't all fluffy bunnies and kittens, but when it's done right it is all about love.
ReplyDeleteJenni - You're fantastic for bringing that up! I was raised in the Judeo-Christian tradition and am quite familiar with that verse. It also happens to be one of my favorite moral arguments for equal rights.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping that our mutual love of Pie (mine, my husband's and her birthparents) will keep us focused on her needs above our own. I know that love has helped me through infertility and the loss of the family I planned on having. And I hope it will help Pie through the issues she will undoubtedly face as an adoptee, as a multiracial person, as a multiracial person parented by caucasians.
ReplyDeleteWe can't begin to fathom the things we'll face, but again with the hope, I'm hoping the love we have and the respect we have for each other will let us navigate whatever comes our way.