Saturday, May 11, 2013
Wishes For The Disappeared
To the mothers and fathers whose pain and sadness were too great to stay, I hope you find the peace you're looking for.
I wish you could have stayed. I wish you could share in the joy of everything you are missing. There is happiness in playing, laughing, arguing, and crying with our children.
I'm sorry you couldn't stay. I wish it could have been easier. I wish you hadn't felt so alone. I wish you knew the support you're looking for is in the family you're hiding from.
I wish you could come back to us. Hopefully the things you need to work through are not so punishing as they appear. I hope you can let yourself be happy again. You deserve to be happy. I hope, someday, that you can share your happiness with us, because we deserve it too.
I wish you could see how hard it is when you aren't here. You bring so many gifts with you. Even when you felt alone, when you felt useless, we loved to be near you. I hope you will share your future with us. You can do such amazing things. We want to cheer you on, if you'll let us.
I hope you'll come back, because we can't wait to see what you'll do next. We want to show you that you're still our family. We want to show you how much we still love you.
Even if things can't be the same, I hope you know you're worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. I wish you would come back, because there's someone very important who really wants to know you.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
What Would You Ask?
Next Saturday I will be giving a brief presentation at the agency that
arranged my son's adoption. I've been invited to talk about my own
experience as well as first/birthfather issues and experiences in a broader context.This has left me groping for handholds. There's so much that I could cover, but I only have thirty minutes. To narrow things down I've decided to come to you, my brain trust.
Please help me and the hopeful future parents I'll be talking with this weekend. Take a moment to leave your questions and ideas in the comments, send me an e-mail, or a tweet. The presentation is Saturday the 20th, so the earlier you can get something to me the more help it will be. As always anonymous comments are welcome. If you don't want a comment to be published just say so in the comment itself. I'll read it, but will not publish it. Take warning: this may lead to a new series of posts.
Thanks for your time.
What do you want to know about my experience?
What questions do you have about first/birthfathers?
Have I shared anything here that changed your perspective? What merits repeating?
Please help me and the hopeful future parents I'll be talking with this weekend. Take a moment to leave your questions and ideas in the comments, send me an e-mail, or a tweet. The presentation is Saturday the 20th, so the earlier you can get something to me the more help it will be. As always anonymous comments are welcome. If you don't want a comment to be published just say so in the comment itself. I'll read it, but will not publish it. Take warning: this may lead to a new series of posts.
Thanks for your time.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Things of Note
As always there is a lot cooking in the background here. Many things are afoot and, for a change, they are mostly positive. There are some posts coming as well as updates to some projects I've been working on.
Worth noting is that I will be putting together something tangible that lists resources birthfathers may find useful/validating. I will also be working with my local chapter of Catholic Social Services (who facilitated my son's adoption) to create resources. The exact nature of those projects have yet to be determined, but there are several ideas that deserve pursuit.
As a final note, I have decided to open the door to other goings on in my life. But that won't happen here. Instead I have created a Twitter account. That's where I'll share recipes, ramble about my other interests, and share the general "slice of life" kind of information. The blog will keep its focus on adoption issues, my experience, relational theory, and relevant news. The Twitter page will have links to things I find interesting, that affect my personal life, recipes, as well as thoughts about adoption, relationships, and life as a human. If you want a more complete picture of who I am beyond my thoughts on adoption, Twitter is where you'll find it. I've even added a convenient widget to the sidebar making it easy to find me. If you don't have a Twitter account but still want to get the great recipe for sesame/thyme salmon I posted today, you can check out the link below.
Worth noting is that I will be putting together something tangible that lists resources birthfathers may find useful/validating. I will also be working with my local chapter of Catholic Social Services (who facilitated my son's adoption) to create resources. The exact nature of those projects have yet to be determined, but there are several ideas that deserve pursuit.
As a final note, I have decided to open the door to other goings on in my life. But that won't happen here. Instead I have created a Twitter account. That's where I'll share recipes, ramble about my other interests, and share the general "slice of life" kind of information. The blog will keep its focus on adoption issues, my experience, relational theory, and relevant news. The Twitter page will have links to things I find interesting, that affect my personal life, recipes, as well as thoughts about adoption, relationships, and life as a human. If you want a more complete picture of who I am beyond my thoughts on adoption, Twitter is where you'll find it. I've even added a convenient widget to the sidebar making it easy to find me. If you don't have a Twitter account but still want to get the great recipe for sesame/thyme salmon I posted today, you can check out the link below.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
In a Name - Politics and Power of What We Call Our Children
"A rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet". - Shakespeare
Juliet argued that the names of things are meaningless compared to what they are. It isn't the name that matters but the literal thing itself that is important. Terms are immaterial. It is the dense matter of a thing we must know. She explores the division between language and reality the way many adolescents do.
"Truth has nothing to do with words. Truth can be likened to the bright moon in the sky. Words, in this case, can be likened to a finger. The finger can point to the moon’s location. However, the finger is not the moon. To look at the moon, it is necessary to gaze beyond the finger, right?" - Sixth Patriarch Huineng
As a society we love the idea that there is depth to our world and experiences that language cannot touch. The base words we use to describe a thing cannot come close to encapsulating its totality. Equally important, however, is symbolism. We use symbols constantly. We use them so often that we forget they are symbols at all. That is what the teaching from the Sixth Patriarch Huineng is about. There is nothing wrong with symbolism so long as we remember what it is.
When discussing adoption it's common for people to talk about real things. Some talk about real birth certificates, real parents, or real names. Because so much changes for a child during adoption it makes sense there is a search for solid, unchangeable reality. From birth to adoption every facet of a child's reality may change. For many this includes permanently changing their name.
There are arguments to be made for both maintaining a child's given name from birth as well as changing it. Changing a child's name to resemble that of the family parenting him/her is an inclusive choice. The idea is the child will feel more a part of that family unit and having a similar name will reduce stigma the child may otherwise have encountered.
On the other hand, maintaining the child's name from birth is inclusive in a different sense. That choice invites difference into the family. It also highlights connection with the family of origin. Highlighting that connection has many costs as well as benefits. Stigma comes into the picture again. Highlighting difference to a child who already feels different can be used for healing, but it can also be damaging. Some times it is helpful to have something concrete to address when feeling different and alienated. The ability to say "this is the thing that makes me feel different, it's open for anyone to see, and it really isn't a big deal at all" can be comforting. At other times, however, the alienation needs a counterpoint. In these times it's necessary to highlight similarity and belonging rather than difference. Unfortunately that counterpoint often becomes an attempt to minimize or remove any trace of difference. When taken to extremes that tactic is usually counterproductive.
With the rat's nest of complications that arise when considering changing a child's name, a simple solution presents itself; adoptive parents and birth parents name the child together.
Many parents do exactly that. Unfortunately it isn't a practical solution for everyone. Some people don't make an adoption plan for their child before birth. Some people never make an adoption plan, but choice is not a luxury their circumstances allow. Many people don't have the opportunity to ever meet the parents of their children. There are as many reasons for this solution not working as there are examples of its success.
In Festus' case, Athena and I chose to name him without input from Prof Plum and Ms Scarlet. I anticipated that they would later change his name, which they did. I bear no umbrage. I happily call my son by his given name. But it was very important to me that I had the opportunity to give him a name I chose. In the past I've heard people discuss the names birth parents give their children. A common question in those conversations is "did they every think about ______?" The blank changes, bu the basic idea is always there. "Did they even spend five minutes thinking about this?"
As a birthparent let me assure you the answer is unequivocally "yes". Athena and I spent a long time talking about what names to consider for our son. We also considered how to approach naming, whether to include Prof Plum and Ms Scarlet, even if we should abstain from naming our son at all to allow them the chance to give him his first and only name. Eventually we decided to give him a name we chose for him. There were many reasons for that decision.
In our case, as with most first families, we hoped for everything to go well but planned for the worst adoption experience we could imagine. That meant once he was out of our arms at the birthing center we may never see nor hear from our son again. His name, even if he never knew what it was, was our last chance to give him a legacy. We chose names with meaning. We chose names that symbolized all we wanted for our son through out his life. He had names that wished him intelligence, power, triumph, and connection to a family history nearly as old as recorded language. We knew he may not ever learn these names. He may never discover that he was the last person from this family to bear my surname.
I'm glad I could give my son the symbol of our history as well as the symbols of all the things I want for him. I'm glad Athena gave him a symbol of his Chinese heritage and her whole hearted wish for personal power and strength of character. I'm glad Ms Scarlet and Prof Plum gave him his new name. I'm glad to know my son and I'm glad I could give him something truly timeless.
Do birthparents give a second thought to what they name their children?
Yes.
Juliet argued that the names of things are meaningless compared to what they are. It isn't the name that matters but the literal thing itself that is important. Terms are immaterial. It is the dense matter of a thing we must know. She explores the division between language and reality the way many adolescents do.
"Truth has nothing to do with words. Truth can be likened to the bright moon in the sky. Words, in this case, can be likened to a finger. The finger can point to the moon’s location. However, the finger is not the moon. To look at the moon, it is necessary to gaze beyond the finger, right?" - Sixth Patriarch Huineng
As a society we love the idea that there is depth to our world and experiences that language cannot touch. The base words we use to describe a thing cannot come close to encapsulating its totality. Equally important, however, is symbolism. We use symbols constantly. We use them so often that we forget they are symbols at all. That is what the teaching from the Sixth Patriarch Huineng is about. There is nothing wrong with symbolism so long as we remember what it is.
When discussing adoption it's common for people to talk about real things. Some talk about real birth certificates, real parents, or real names. Because so much changes for a child during adoption it makes sense there is a search for solid, unchangeable reality. From birth to adoption every facet of a child's reality may change. For many this includes permanently changing their name.
There are arguments to be made for both maintaining a child's given name from birth as well as changing it. Changing a child's name to resemble that of the family parenting him/her is an inclusive choice. The idea is the child will feel more a part of that family unit and having a similar name will reduce stigma the child may otherwise have encountered.
On the other hand, maintaining the child's name from birth is inclusive in a different sense. That choice invites difference into the family. It also highlights connection with the family of origin. Highlighting that connection has many costs as well as benefits. Stigma comes into the picture again. Highlighting difference to a child who already feels different can be used for healing, but it can also be damaging. Some times it is helpful to have something concrete to address when feeling different and alienated. The ability to say "this is the thing that makes me feel different, it's open for anyone to see, and it really isn't a big deal at all" can be comforting. At other times, however, the alienation needs a counterpoint. In these times it's necessary to highlight similarity and belonging rather than difference. Unfortunately that counterpoint often becomes an attempt to minimize or remove any trace of difference. When taken to extremes that tactic is usually counterproductive.
With the rat's nest of complications that arise when considering changing a child's name, a simple solution presents itself; adoptive parents and birth parents name the child together.
Many parents do exactly that. Unfortunately it isn't a practical solution for everyone. Some people don't make an adoption plan for their child before birth. Some people never make an adoption plan, but choice is not a luxury their circumstances allow. Many people don't have the opportunity to ever meet the parents of their children. There are as many reasons for this solution not working as there are examples of its success.
In Festus' case, Athena and I chose to name him without input from Prof Plum and Ms Scarlet. I anticipated that they would later change his name, which they did. I bear no umbrage. I happily call my son by his given name. But it was very important to me that I had the opportunity to give him a name I chose. In the past I've heard people discuss the names birth parents give their children. A common question in those conversations is "did they every think about ______?" The blank changes, bu the basic idea is always there. "Did they even spend five minutes thinking about this?"
As a birthparent let me assure you the answer is unequivocally "yes". Athena and I spent a long time talking about what names to consider for our son. We also considered how to approach naming, whether to include Prof Plum and Ms Scarlet, even if we should abstain from naming our son at all to allow them the chance to give him his first and only name. Eventually we decided to give him a name we chose for him. There were many reasons for that decision.
In our case, as with most first families, we hoped for everything to go well but planned for the worst adoption experience we could imagine. That meant once he was out of our arms at the birthing center we may never see nor hear from our son again. His name, even if he never knew what it was, was our last chance to give him a legacy. We chose names with meaning. We chose names that symbolized all we wanted for our son through out his life. He had names that wished him intelligence, power, triumph, and connection to a family history nearly as old as recorded language. We knew he may not ever learn these names. He may never discover that he was the last person from this family to bear my surname.
I'm glad I could give my son the symbol of our history as well as the symbols of all the things I want for him. I'm glad Athena gave him a symbol of his Chinese heritage and her whole hearted wish for personal power and strength of character. I'm glad Ms Scarlet and Prof Plum gave him his new name. I'm glad to know my son and I'm glad I could give him something truly timeless.
Do birthparents give a second thought to what they name their children?
Yes.
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